Parents and Carers

When your child (no matter their age) feels distressed, overwhelmed, or sad, chances are you do too, and we know that navigating the available support can be both daunting and isolating.

If you are also worried that your child may be self-harming or having thoughts of suicide, you may find yourself walking on eggshells, not sure what to say. At OLLIE, we know you might be searching for answers right now and we are here to support you. OLLIE can signpost you to immediate help, guide you through supporting someone in crisis and awareness sessions that may feel helpful.

Support for Parents and Carers

Parent Voice


Written by parents, for parents.

When parents talk to us about the challenges they are facing, they often feel very isolated. Some parents who volunteer with OLLIE have shared some thoughts which they hope will help you feel more connected and less alone

These reflections come from parents’ personal experience and are not professional advice. Everyone’s situation is different, and we encourage you to seek appropriate professional support alongside reading these shared reflections.

Please note, to keep things simple, we use the word “parents” on this page to mean all parents, carers and guardians.

We use the word “child” throughout this page, this word refers to your child at any age, whether an adult or young person.

What you might be facing…

It’s a shock. I’d no experience of mental ill health before. Nobody understands, they say things like “Just get her out of the house for a walk and she’ll feel better!” If only that was possible.  

It creeps up on you. You don’t know what’s ‘normal’ for a teenager and what isn’t. At what point do I need to get help for them? 

It’s day in and day out, treading on eggshells. 

We are used to being able to fix problems our kids face. You can’t fix this and you feel helpless. 

School said, “You get her in and we’ll do the rest.” until they said, “You take her home, we can’t deal with this.” 

I think there is a sense of ‘grieving’ the child you thought you would have or the life you thought you would have, and giving yourself permission to do this alongside celebrating and loving the child you have.  There is immense guilt as a parent when you admit you can’t cope, or don’t understand your child, or feel trapped by your own child…. 

 

Having to stay at home to support your child can mean having to leave your job. Not only can this lead to feelings of a loss of self and independence, it can also raise financial issues. Not having an income leads to huge stress.

Navigating financial support such as DLA and PIP is stressful and time consuming.

Constant feelings of am I doing the right thing.  You know you know your child best but school, friends, family, can make you question whether you are in fact doing the right thing.  This can lead to further isolation as you stop speaking to people for fear of judgement.

Having more than one child with mental illness – further thoughts of guilt and judgement.  You question your parenting if both/all of your children are struggling.  If more than one sibling is out of school you may feel that the school doubts your ability as a parent, or maybe that the second child is 'copying' behaviours as they feel they can 'get away with it'.   This was the criticism I faced when my younger child was struggling to attend school following my eldest being so unwell and out of school.  The unwell child may well then feel further feelings of guilt as well, worrying that they have caused the situation. 

Constant underlying fear of the situation returning. Any sign of your child ‘slipping back’ can cause huge anxiety and memory of the trauma. If the situation does arise where your child becomes unwell again you may feel you are not able to cope with it all over again. Maybe you have returned to work and this is now in jeopardy once again. There may well be a further sense of guilt that returning to work and being less ‘available’ has led to this relapse?

Often left at home as partner goes to work and everyone else is at school or work.   Trying to juggle ringing the attendance line, keeping on top of emails from the school and the threat of home visits or fines.   All this whilst trying to look after your unwell child.

The divide this can cause in families, one parent might go somewhere with one child whilst the other stays at home with the sibling.

I think for me it is the overwhelming sense of isolation, feeling that no one else is going through this and no one understands which I think you capture here.  I had huge struggles with the school and also some friends.  Finding ‘your people’ is vital but certainly not easy!  You don’t know who you can trust or who will understand (or at least empathise if they can’t understand!). Sometimes it is a shock that people you have known and been friends with for years desert you or judge you, yet others you barely knew end up becoming your lifeline.

The impact on siblings when a child is unwell.  As a parent it can be incredibly difficult to support a sibling of a child with mental illness.  You are aware that all your time and energy is going into your child who is unwell.

The life of the sibling is hugely affected.  No family time, days out, holidays, you might not even be able to get that child to school as you are unable to leave the house.  The sibling may not be able to have friends over or attend everyday activities.

Living with a sibling with mental illness can cause trauma for the other sibling as they see and hear the illness playing out.  It can be very scary for them to see their sibling going through this. 

Tips to help you cope…

Immediate Safety

Ask directly if they are feeling suicidal. This may feel uncomfortable and you may like to watch OLLIE’s suicide prevention talk to support you through this conversation.

 

If you can keep them safe at home

If you feel able to keep them safe at home, stay close and keep a careful eye on them. Locking away anything that could be used to cause harm can help reduce risk in the moment (such as knives, medication, or ligatures).

You might also find it helps to soothe them, for example:

  • Words that will connect them eg It’s OK, this will pass, I am here/ I love you / I’m not leaving
  • Grounding exercises to reduce emotional arousal – such as the 5,4,3,2,1, technique: 5 things you can see, 4 hear, 3 smell, 2 taste, 1 feel
  • Distraction (an action that pulls you away from what you intended to do) and divert (refocusing of attention on something more positive) them.
  • Stimulate the senses e.g. hot/cold drink, ice cream, favourite cuddly blanket/jumper, weighted blanket, hot water bottle, hot/cold bath/shower, scented candle, fairy lights, gentle music

 

Safety Planning  

Once your child has come through this crisis then you may like to support them to create a safe plan with them. OLLIE provide one that’s free to download here

Understanding what’s happening

We want to stop this escalating into a crisis or just hoping to bring them up from hypo-arousal (i.e. when they are shutting down due to significant stress, adversity, or trauma)

Staying Connected

  • Acknowledge feelings/validating.
  • Staying with your child knowing you’re there with them even if they are struggling to connect, can really help.

Gentle supports and soothing

  • Guided Meditation (eg CALM app https://www.calm.com/)
  • Encourage them to do the things they love ie. play music, watch a favourite series or film  warm bubble bath, embroidery & crafts, talk to friends, whatever suits them.

Sometimes trying to look at it from a different angle is helpful. It has really helped some of our parents. When we asked them for their top tips, they said:

Shifting control

Control – I was trying to solve things for her. The situation was helped by her regaining control e.g. me saying “Only you know if you are well enough to go to school today. You are in control, this is about what you need, no one else.”

Options & Choice

Not just go to school vs stay at home. Go in later, go early and see how it goes, go in but don’t attend lessons. It’s not black or white, there’s lots of shades of grey. There are options we can discover, then you choose. We may not have the answer yet, but we can find it together.

Day to day thinking

Accept what happens each day, tomorrow is a new day. Things are usually better in the morning.

“At this moment, I feel… “(i.e. it’s not forever)

“How am I choosing to see this situation?”

Reducing pressure

it’s only mock exams / school / a meal out / no big deal

Do nice things (for your child to do, for you too)

Do new things (for your child to do, for you too)

Learn more

You may begin to feel more in control and not so isolated if you can get informed/educated. We recommend reaching out to The OLLIE Foundation’s awareness talks, panel events and YouTube channel.

You may like to watch OLLIE’s REACH suicide prevention talk a 45 min reassuring talk designed to help you to have compassionate and caring conversations with your child. You can choose to watch it on demand at a time that suits you or book to join a live session with Q&A with our team, Maria and Jo. 

Boosters/Drainers activity sheet that can be done together. Might be better if completed when well-regulated so can refer to if mood and state dips: https://www.pookyknightsmith.com/download-emotional-boosters-vs-drainers/

If they are on ‘high alert’, look for ways to regularly bring in safety cues. Eg remind them to check for safety cues to bring the high emotional arousal down, so, are you in a safe place, is someone there to help, can you stroke your pet, do you know how old you are, what year it is etc. Think of it like a smoke detector going off, is a fire or just burnt toast.

Being able to recognise different nervous system states in order to respond and support effectively. See polyvagal theory (in simple terms, Polyvagal Theory helps us understand how our body and brain work together to respond to stressors that are a part of everyday life as well as experiences that are more significant, such as trauma. By Dr. Stephen Porges, a neuroscientist and psychologist, 1994) and and Deb Dana’s autonomic ladder https://sarahtuckett.com.au/story-follows-nervous-system-state/deb-dana-autonomic-ladder/

Resource Link to Beacon Families ‘cards to connect’ for younger children (or teens who are socially/emotionally younger): https://beaconhouse.org.uk/resources/

The Window of Tolerance – This describes the zone in which a person is able to think clearly, manage emotions, and respond to stress in a balanced way. When someone moves outside this window, they may experience hyper-arousal (feeling overwhelmed, anxious, angry) or hypo-arousal (feeling shut down, numb, withdrawn). This can be a helpful representation of mood states both for your child and you as a carer, to find out more visit: https://www.educationsupport.org.uk/media/2ckcm55z/window_of_tolerance_teams_exercise.pdf

Reframing health and education

This is about health. Just like physical health. If you’re sick you stay off school until you feel well enough to attend again. This is empowering.

Health more important than education, get well first, then pick up education (how can they learn if they are ill?)

Being your child’s advocate

Be your child’s guardian/champion/warrior even if puts you opposed to authorities. Supporting your young person through the school years

Think about what your own experience of school was and how that influences your parenting or your assumptions about what is needed.

When school doesn’t understand

As my daughter was anxious about school, it seemed logical to me to talk to school about it. I was facing it for the first time, but surely, they’d faced it before and knew what to do? The general position seemed to be ‘you get her in; we’ll do the rest’. No real understanding of the depth of the anxiety.

Practical school strategies

  • Ask school to alert you if child not at registration and no absence call logged by parent.
  • Key person makes a big difference from Primary on. Handover from one key person to next one. It’s important to avoid loss or rejection. 
  • Push for ‘reasonable adjustment’ eg in exams my daughter was allowed her phone to do meditation at lunchtime.
  • Start with an empty timetable and gradually add back.
  • Control, options, choices whenever possible.
  • Limit time spent on homework

Rethinking education pathways

Life is messy, can’t be perfect, start thinking about how to deal with non perfection.

Drop a subject(s)

Take a year out – come back to education in your 20s!! Or not!

See ‘Not Fine in School’ Dr Naomi Fisher https://naomifisher.co.uk/ for lots of excellent work and support around emotionally based school avoidance: https://naomifisher.co.uk/courses/my-child-is-not-fine-at-school/

Looked After and Previously Looked After Children

For children/young people who are in the care system, or have been previously, the designated teacher for looked after (LAC) and previously looked-after children (PLAC) can be a great help.

Funds for additional support (and training for staff) for LAC and PLAC children – Pupil Premium Plus. 

Role of Virtual School for LAC and PLAC (can advocate)

They’re Off to Uni. We’ve Got Your Back.

Starting university is an exciting milestone, but it can bring new challenges for both students and those who care about them. To help make this transition feel a little less overwhelming, The OLLIE Foundation has created a Parent and Carer Guide. Packed with practical advice, it covers what to expect, how to support your child from a distance, and how to recognise when they may need a little extra help with their well-being. While we all hope for a smooth journey, bumps in the road can happen. Our guide will help you feel more confident, informed and prepared, so you can support your child and know where to turn if they need additional mental health support.

We are delighted to collaborate on this project with Beyond The Game, founded by Charlie Taylor, one of our OLLIE Ambassadors from St Albans. Beyond The Game is a purpose-driven initiative that uses its Band of Belief wristbands to promote resilience, confidence and positive mental health in young people. Built around the message “More Than A Player”, it encourages children and young people to recognise their value beyond sport and performance. Through every sale, awareness campaign and partnership, Beyond The Game helps support children’s mental health initiatives, spark important conversations and remind young people that they are more than the game they play.

Would you like to get involved with OLLIE?

The generosity of the public as well as private organisations, undoubtedly allows us to reach more people. Donations mean we can offer more awareness talks, well-being events and training. Donations allow us to continue offer some fully funded places to parents and students so they can attend our online sessions.

If you can help us continue to support those in need by fundraising or volunteering with OLLIE, we would love to hear from you.